My whole life I’ve been on this journey of learning when I’m right…and when I’m not. Let’s face it: it’s so gratifying to be right! And self-righteous! So, let’s dive right in! *Rubs hands together in an evil fashion.* Who do you secretly hate?
I know how we all love Facebook surveys (“What kind of facial hair would you have if you were a pirate?” “What five people in your life are most likely to pee in your shower?” “What breed would you be if you were a dog?”), so here’s a handy, computer generated1 list!
People I Might Love to Secretly Hate2
- All Christians, not just Catholics; I’m kinda equal opportunity
- People who stick their old gum under tables where I will accidentally touch it
- Pro-abortion murderers
- Pro-life misogynists
- Transgender folks
- Fat people
- Famous people
- Rich people
- Poor people
- Homeless people
- Idiots who throw trash out their car window right next to you at a stop sign and then flip you off when you yell at them3
- Jerks who take up two spots in the parking lot
- Other jerks who pull into your spot after you’ve been patiently waiting for it for ten minutes (although come to think of it, they may be the same as #21)
- Slow drivers
- Drivers who cut you off on the freeway
- People who text while driving (see #24)
- Nasty children who teach your own innocent kids dirty jokes
- People who wear pink pussy hats
- People who wear “Make American Great Again” hats
- Black Lives Matter protestors
- The “Free Hugs” guy (okay, who am I kidding? His superpower is being impervious to hatred)
- Arabs (hey! Did you know they are technically white? Weird huh? But that’s okay…we don’t have to let that stop us!)
- Scary white dudes with lots of tattoos, piercings, and funky-colored mohawks
- Big guys wearing black hoodies and black jeans and hey, even their skin is black; in fact, why don’t we speed this up and just refer to them as thugs? Thugs
- Country music lovers
- Old people; also known as Polka lovers
- White parents who adopt kids of different races
- Parents who don’t keep their kids under control at the grocery store
- People with mental illnesses
- Loud people
- Shy people
- Annoying people (admittedly a bit of a catch-all, so if you circle this one, give yourself like a thousand points)
- People with obvious disabilities, like being in a wheelchair or having no facial control so they maybe drool or something, because this makes us so uncomfortable that we don’t know where to look
- Hilary Clinton and everyone who voted for her
- Donald Trump and everyone who voted for him
- Betsy Devos
- Jeff Sessions
- In fact, let’s make this easier and just put: politicians
- People who stick their noses in other people’s business in blog posts (although, admittedly, these people are rare)
- Gun control sissy commies
- Gun-toting inbred honkies
- People who like Obamacare
- People who want to dismantle Obamacare
- Hey! Obama! How on earth did he escape this list till now?
- (Don’t see yours here? Insert as many extra lines as needed.)
Phew! Wasn’t that fun?
Add up all your points. If you scored 0, congratulate yourself on being either a) God or b) a liar. (Hey! “Liars” can be #65! That’s a better number for a list anyway.)
Okay, okay, you’ve made your point, lady. Lay off!
The thing is, I’m realizing that how I think about people is a good Hate-Meter. (Or Love-Meter if you’re an optimist like me.) The Hate-Meter/Love-Meter measures the words we use when we’re thinking about people.
It turns out, there are certain individuals, and certain groups, where I tend to land on the far left of this continuum. Jesus was always on the other side.
I want to be where Jesus is.
Now, I will say: if we don’t have Jesus living in us, it’s pretty much impossible to “Love our enemies.” So, there is that. But, I have no excuse. So I’m taking my list of people, the ones I secretly hate? Maybe so secretly that even I don’t know it most of the time?
Those people. And I’m going to pray for them. I’m going to serve them if it’s within my power. I’m going to treat them the way I’d like to be treated—heck, the way I want my kids to be treated.
So that’s our homework, people. (Wait! This comes with homework? Who does this girl think she is???)
Today’s HW: Apologize to God for hating people that He loves. Then, ask God what it looks like to love someone. (Hint: it should be pretty similar to how you like to be shown love.)
Due every day for the rest of your life.
Next week, for anyone who hasn’t unfollowed/unfriended me and still feels interested in reading things I post, I’ll share a few examples of #reallifepeople #livingthedream #dointheyHW
Meanwhile, go find out who you hate! And become excellent at loving them!
Only in the most general sense. As in, I used a computer. To type.
Wildly, grossly, negligently simplistic and incomplete.
Yes this is a true story, although the true story is actually worse.